


The Overwatch Telethon

by RabidSquid



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Barbershop Quartet, Comedy, Flamboyant Reaper, McCree has a violin, Moira is secretly a rock goddess, Murder Mystery, Musicals, Other, Overwatch - Freeform, Post-Fall of Overwatch, Stand Up Comedy, Team Talon (Overwatch), Telethon, The Musical!, Trainwreck, derp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 15:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14023515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RabidSquid/pseuds/RabidSquid
Summary: When Overwatch's funding dries up, they will go to any length to rectify that. Even if they must make the ultimate sacrifice;The ability for anyone to ever take them seriously





	The Overwatch Telethon

**Author's Note:**

> ....this was not made with seriousness in mind

"Places everyone!" Soldier 76 called out, the various members of Overwatch scurrying about to tend to last-minute preperations. Torbjiorn was up to his knees in wires that he hooked up to jury-rigged routers while Mercy pushed a large rack of clothes into position, Tracer zipping about in the rafters to make slight adjustments to the rows of lights.

"You ready Commandad?" Hana smirked as she straightened out the lapels to her black tuxedo, her shirt bright pink.

"Sooner we're done, sooner we can never do this again." 76 grumbled as he fiddled with his bowtie. Over his headset, he heard a familiar British accent chirping over the comms.

"We're ready front and center luvs!"

The giant glowing red numbers on the clock began to count down to zero. "We're live in five everyone!" 76 announced, the lights dimming.

The red curtains remained closed, an orchestral piece playing on the speakers that allowed everyone in the immense audience to hear. It was a catchy tune, one that would be difficult to forget, a few people in the crowd tapping their feet to the rhythm. As the music swelled, the curtains pulled back for 76 and Reaper to stroll across the stage, the two dressed in tuxedos with top hats and a cane each.

"Overture, curtains, lights!" The two sung in harmony. "This is it, the night of nights! No more rehearsing or nursing our parts, we know every part by heart!" The old soldier and the ghost tap danced, their canes swung rhythmically with the clacking of their shoes. "Overture, curtains, lights! This is it, we'll hit the heights! And oh what heights we'll hit, on with the show this is it!"

Reaper and 76 took to opposite sides at stage front, allowing the audience to see the parade of the many adventurers, scientists, vigilantes, and mercenaries that made up Overwatch and Talon, a couple of Junkers and even a Vishkar architecht in the lineup, all of them sporting tuxedos with top hats as they marched from one side of the stage to the other, 76 and Reaper soon heading back to the center stage.

"And oh what heights we'll hit, on with the show this is it!" They tapped their canes onto the floor together, the curtain falling so only 76 was on stage until Hana leapt to his side.

"And now, the Overwatch Telethon!" Reinhardt's booming voice echoed from the speakers as 76 and Hana waved at the crowd, the gamer's top hat falling to cover her eyes for a moment, much to the amusement of the audience and 76 as a roaring applause began.

Taking a few seconds to adjust Hana's hat, 76 then turned to the crowd with the microphone right up to his masked face. "Good afternoon Gibraltar! Thanks for coming out this far, we're really glad so many of you came!" The audience cheered and appluaded in response, 76 waiting for them to quiet down before continuing. "Seriously though, you're such a lovely audience for coming. You all deserve an applause." Him and Hana began clapping, the other few thousand people in the sold-out venue quickly joining in.

Taking a mic of her own, Hana began. "Trust me folks, we've got quite the show for all of you! After all, this is a telethon, so we'll be keeping you entertained until we reach our goal of 10 million US Dollars!"

On cue a large meter appeared, the indicator on zero while '10M' was printed on the other side. "We're well prepared to go as long as it takes!" 76 proclaimed. "Even if we've gotta broadcast for a week straight, we will!"

"Even if we hit our goal early, we'll make sure you get your money's worth!" Hana chimed in. "For everyone in the audience and at home, we've got operators waiting to take your call!" She motioned to a 2 rows of tables on stage right, Mei, Zarya, Reinhardt, Lucio, Mercy, McCree, Pharah, Ana, Genji,Brigette seated there, each hero next to a telephone.

"So who's ready for the greatest show on earth?" 76's question was met with roaring applause.

"All right, Tracer is first!" Symmetra announced as her eyes scanned her clipboard.

"She's already in place." Moira commented as she tuned her bass.

"Anyone one here from King's Row?" 76 began, Hana padding her away backstage as chatter over the comms reported Tracer's eagerness to begin. Hearing sounds of acknowledgement for that part of London, 76 continued. "Well our first act is one of the locals! She's an ace pilot, time-traveller, top Overwatch agent, and a strong LGBT supporter! Her and her girlfriend."

There were a few 'awwws' from the crowd at that.

"So without further ado, please welcome the dashing Lena Oxton and her missus, Emily O'Deorain!" Clapping his hands as he headed backstage, the audience gave a short applause as the red curtains opened.

A simple black piano stood in the middle, Tracer seated behind it with her fingers hovering over the keys, the pilot dressed in a sharp suit despite her hair remaining a mess of brown spikes. Lounging atop the piano while sporting an elegant wine red dress was Emily, the redhead holding a microphone to her lips as Tracer began to play a song.

Tracer's fingers danced from one key to the next, her hands drifting from one place to the next while her eyes remained closed. It didn't take long for Emily to hear her cue, the redhead singing along.

"If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing I'd like to do, is to save every day until eternity passes away, just to spend them with you." Emily's voice was like smooth whisky, tasteful and elegant with a kick to it. "If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true, I'd save every day like a treasure and then, I would spend them with you..."

Staying out of sight of the audience, Moira gave a watery smile as she watched. "She has a beautiful voice." Hanzo commented.

The scientist gently rocked with the music. "That she does."

"If I had a box just for wishes and dreams that had never come true, the box would be empty except for the memory of how they were answered by you..." Emily was gazing longingly at Tracer, the pilot keeping her eyes closed as she continued to play. "But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them." Sitting up, Emily gracefully scooted herself off the piano. "I've looked around enough to know, that you're the one I wanna go through time with."

Tracer played the last few notes, the brunette opening her eyes once the song ended. The crowd erupted into a roaring applause, Emily capturing Tracer's lips in her own for a moment, the pilot's cheeks dusted with red when they parted. Taking a bow, the two ladies then headed backstage.

"Excellent performance!" Winston crowed as he adjusted the various lighting rigs.

Those who weren't busy with running the backstage or getting last-minute rehearsals congratulated the two, Moira leaning down to wrap her arms around Emily. "That was beautiful."

Returning the embrace, Emily kissed Moira's cheek. "Thank you Aunty."

"Quite the duo those two make eh?" Hana commented, the gamer taking center stage. Hearing the audience agree, she continued. "For our next act, your all getting a special treat from down under!" Hearing 'oohs' and 'ahhs', Hana chuckled. "Something people forget is that Junkers can possess quite the musical talent and my good friend from Oz is better then he gives himself credit for. So give a warm welcome to Jamison Fawkes!"

Junkrat limped onto stage, his trademark manic grin tempered with nervously shifty eyes, a beat-up acoustic guitar in one hand as he loped towards a stool. Roadhog and McCree followed, the former carrying a double bass while the latter had a violin. "Fer the record, me name's Junkrat." The Australian commented as he got himself comfy.

Roadhog tested his bass' thick strings a few times while McCree held his bow over the violin's strings. Clearing his throat, Junkrat began. "Well I'm fair dinkum, bloody oaf I am. I've loved the smell of gum leaves since I was in a pram, some places might be greener, but I don't give a damn, cos I'm fair dinkum, bloody oaf I am."

There were scattered laughs, Junkrat tapping his peg leg on the stool in tune with Roadhog's picking of his bass while McCree's fiddling added layers of flavor. "Now I was in the doctor's, just the other day. She told me use nanotech, the pain would go away. So I pulled out me checkbook, cos sickness doesn't pay, I said 'are you fair dinkum?' What did the doctor say?"

Mercy frowned as the sound of Junkrat's attempt to impersonate her grated on her ears. "She said 'Oh sure, I'm fair dinkum, bloody oaf I am! I've loved the smell gum leaves since I was in a pram, some places might be greener, but I don't give a damn cos I'm fair dinkum, bloody oaf I am'!"

The Junker's horrendous Swiss accent earned a few laughs from the crowd, his grin widening. "So I whistled down a taxi cab and headed for the east, a bad case of munchies I was ready for a feast..."

Junkrat proceded to impersonate Zenyatta and Torbjiorn, his attempts at their accents horrific to the two in question but hilarious to everyone else. The longer he played though, the less Junkrat's golden eyes shifted. Nearing the end of the song, he leapt off the stool and started stomping his peg leg onto the floor. "Yeah we're fair dinkum, bloody oafs we are! We all hug koalas and sing around the bar! And call somebody's missus to drive the flammin' car, we we're fair dinkum, bloody oafs we are!"

"Well I'm fair dinkum, bloody oaf I am! I've loved the smell gum leaves since I was in a pram, some places might be greener, but I don't give a damn cos I'm fair dinkum, bloody oaf I am'!" Grinning as the audience was singing along, Junkrat began to madly dance while he still played his guitar. "Hey! I'm fair dinkum, bloody oaf I am! I've loved the smell gum leaves since I was in a pram, some places might be greener, but I don't give a damn cos I'm fair dinkum, BLOODY OAF I AAAAMMM!"

Holding his guitar over his head like the gun that had killed an elephant, Junkrat cackled as the audience broke into a roaring applause at his performance. Roadhog then jostled him, Junkrat recalling the etiquette lessons he was forced to take. Along with McCree, the Junkers bowed for their crowd before getting themselves backstage.

"I sound nothing like that." Torbjiorn quipped as soon as the trio was backstage.

"Ya kiddin' me mate? I was bloody spot on!" Junkrat retorted before breaking into a fit of mad laughter.

"Nothing short of incredible wasn't it?" 76 asked the audience. Chuckling at the many sounds of agreement, he pressed on. "Now for this next act, it is the first of several by the same group. They may change instruments now and then, but that goes to show how talented they are!" Excitement was beginning to grow in the crowd. "So without further ado, the Talon Musical Trope!"

The curtain pulled back, a lone spotlight on the piano in center stage. Widowmaker began to gently play, Reaper attempting to lounge seductively on the piano much like Emily did but his got more mixed results then positive, the two in monochromatic parade uniforms. "When I was, a young boy, my father, took me into the city, to see a marching band." He shifted positions so he was on his knees, Reaper pulling his arms in tight to his chest. "He said son when, you grow up, would you be, the saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned?"

Another light turned on to reveal Doomfist, Sombra, and Moira nearby, they too sporting similar parade uniforms to the other two while they were at the ready with their instruments. Reaper then draped himself halfway off the piano, his upper body hanging off while he pressed the back of his hand to his forehead in a very dramatic manner. "He said, will you, defeat them, your demons, and all the non-believers, the plans that they have made?"

The floor beneath the piano begin to sink, Reaper rolling off the piano and to his feet while Widowmaker smoothly walked away from the piano to retrieve her guitar from its stand. "Because one day, I'll leave you, a phantom, to lead you in the summer, to join the black parade!"

Doomfist laid down the beat on his drums, Moira plucking at her bass while Sombra's guitar screeched. The tune was slow at first, but its tempo soon sped up after a quick solo from Doomfist, all five of Talon's members headbanging.

"...was he always this dramatic?" Pharah asked before picking up the next caller.

"YES." Ana and Reinhardt answered in unison.

"...and through it all, the rise and fall, the bodies in the street!" Reaper's singing was coarse and raw, much like himself. "And when you're gone we want you all to know..."

"We'll carry on!" Reaper's voice was joined by the rest of Talon, the ghost using his mic's stand as a cane as he danced across the stage. "We'll carry on! And though you're dead and gone, believe me, your memory will carry on, we'll carry on!" The crowd was yelling and dancing in response, the mercenaries jumping and twirling for some extra flair. "And in my heart, I can't contain it, the anthem won't explain it!"

The ladies of Talon calmed their playing while Reaper broke into the second verse. "And while that sends you reeling, from decimated dreams, your misery and hate will kill us all!" While Sombra picked a riff, Reaper dropped into the splits and leapt back up to his feet. "So paint it black and take it back, let's shout out loud and clear! Keep fighting to the end we hear the call..."

"To carry on!" The five Talon mercs yelled, their thrashing and leaping reaching new heights. "We'll carry on, And though you're dead and gone, believe me, your memory will carry on, we'll carry on!"

Peeking out from backstage, Hana tilted her head. "...why is he so extra?"

Soldier 76 could only shrug. "He was always like that."

Hana's train of thought immediately went careening of its tracks when she heard Reaper scream into the mic. "Whoa! I've never heard him hit a high note like that."

"Eh, it's not that hard to hear him go that high." 76's mask muffled his laughs. "Just put him in a room with a Bastion and you can wake up the whole base."

The song dropped to a more somber tone, Reaper dropping to his knees with the last note of the verse while the Talon ladies took over the singing. "Do or die, you'll never make me, because the world will never take my heart, go and try, you'll never break me, we want it all, we wanna play this part!"

Reaper leapt to his feet, the ghost joining in with the women in the song. "I won't explain or say I'm sorry! I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar! Give a cheer for all the broken! Listen here because it's who we are!" Reaper clapped his hands over his head again and again, plenty of people in the audience joining in while Sombra, Moira, and Widowmaker began to headbang in sync. "I'm just a man, I'm not a hero! Just a boy who had to sing this song! I'm just a man, I'm not a hero!"

The drumbeat began to pick up, Sombra and Widowmaker's guitars growling their riffs while Moira unleashed a rumbling bassline. "I....don't...CARE!"

For a mere second there was silence from the band, but the serenity was shattered by Reaper's roar. "We'll carry on! We'll carry on, and though you're dead and gone, believe me, your memory will carry on, we'll carry on!" Everyone on the Talon team began to headbang like there was no tomorrow, Reaper clinging to himself as he dramatically dropped to one knee. "And though you're broken and defeated, your weary widow marches on!"

The crowd had been over the moon with their performance, heads banging, hands clapping, and feet stomping in tune with Talon's song. As they neared the song's end, Reaper dropped to both knees in the most needlessly dramatic way imaginable as he held the microphone with both hands above his head, his body arching back in a surprising display of flexibility. He held the song's final note for as long as he could, the music ending with a crash of Doomfist's cymbals as the audience went crazy with their applause.

Reaper and Doomfist got to their feet, the five of them bowing before they took their leave of the stage.

"You are the most flamboyant edgelord we've ever met." Tracer quipped.

"C'mon, I live for big theatre productions." Reaper retorted, but the nods and murmurs of agreement from the other Talon members on Tracer's comment did not escape his peripherals.

"Blast from the past, am I right?" 76 chuckled into the mic, scattered laughter from the audience. "Next up for your enjoyment is a bit of comedy from the smartest simian, the gorilla genius, and the one who's jokes will put you over the moon, our half-ton of fun, Winston!"

Surprisingly, Winston's clothes looked rather comfortable as he lumbered onto the stage. Barefoot, the gorilla sported a simple short-sleeved red button-up shirt and khakis, the scientist taking a moment to adjust his glasses before getting close to the microphone. "Good evening Gibraltar! I do hope you're prepared because my jokes on mass will have quite a bit of weight to them!"

Tracer executed a perfect 'badum tshh' on her drumkit at the end of that remark, the audience reflecting the joy and laughter one would find at a funeral.

Clearing his throat, Winston's quickly glanced at his flash cards before addressing the crowd again. "Now I remember awhile ago, a friend of mine was trying to get a 'good light' so they could properly work on a drawing. Now that got me curious, what was the difference between good and bad light? When I asked, he simply said that the difference was that bad light went to prism!"

'Badum tshh!'

Winston's eyes darted from one side of the audience to the other, wondering why it was so quiet. Scratching the back of his head, he continued. "So, who here knows how many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?"

It was quiet enough for the man coughing at the farthest seat from the stage to be heard by the gorilla. "The answer's two; one to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe!"

Watching the stand-up comedy act from backstage, Hana tilted her head. "Are Winston's jokes the kind that require an IQ of 170 and up to get them?"

"Don't be like that, he's a superb comedian." Mercy answered. She soon began to break into a muffled laughing fit, the blonde barely getting the words out. "Remember the aerodynamics lecture?"

Joining in with deep belly-laughs, Torbjiorn's grin took up his face. "That was the greatest comedy night I ever went to!"

Shaking her head as the two laughed, Hana made her way further backstage. "Nerds."

"...and so the photon says, I'm travelling light!" Winston finished, the gorilla waiting for the rancour of laughter. When only Mercy and Torbjiorn laughed, Winston cleared his throat as he adjusted his glasses. "Well, I am afraid I am almost out of time. However, I would like to entertain you all in some way before I go..."

Taking all of his flash cards, Winston began folding them into each other in all sorts of directions, his immense hands a tender blur. There were murmurs of intrigue as he worked, everyone sitting up and leaning forwards. By the time he finished, everyone had a good look at the immense oragami eagle he made, its wings majestically outstretched as if it could take flight at any moment, its wingspan reaching the tip of his fingers and his elbow.

That was when the audience applauded him, Winston bowing. Once he was backstage, he sighed. "I know, I know. Physics jokes aren't meant for everyone."

"True, but that makes them all the more special to those that get them." Torbjiorn replied.

"Okay, be honest. Those were superb oragami skills." Hana commented. Noticing heads nod and murmurs of agreement, the gamer continued. "Next up is a revival of one of the most popular acts from Overwatch's heyday, a three-part show for your entertainment! So please give a warm welcome for the Overwatch Theatre Group!"

The applause was short, the curtains pulling back to reveal the stage set up to resemble a hotel lobby. Mercy was seated behind the front desk, the doctor sporting glasses and a plain grey cardigan. Over the speakers, the sound of wind and rain accompanied the rapping of knuckles on wood. The door opened to reveal 76 dressed in a navy blue suit and black trenchcoat, his mask off to reveal his scarred and weathered face.

"Inspector, thank heavens you've come." Mercy got to her feet, revealing the black pencil skirt she wore. "I cannot believe that one of my guests could be a multiple murderer."

76 removed the pipe between his lips. "I am sorry, but I do fear that murder is a most ghastly and grisly business." He managed to pull off a fairly convincing Scottish accent. "I must start with investigating the scene of the crime."

Mercy led him stage left, the lights on the lobby dimming while the lights in a hotel bedroom brightened. Reaper was dressed in a plain monochrome suit, the Talon commander splayed on the bed with blood that oddly smelled of tomatoes on his chest. Sombra was on the floor, she too in a black and white suit with red stains on the floor around her head.

"I graduated top of drama class and I have to play a cadaver." Reaper grumbled under his breath.

"Shh, it's our scene." Sombra hissed in a hushed voice.

"The housemaid found them like this." Mercy sniffed.

Crouching above Sombra, 76 stroked his chin, his pipe between his lips. "The murderer appears to be using a gun judging from the wound..." Standing up he checked Reaper's chest. "...yes, three shots to his chest and one to her head."

"But inspector, who could have done such a vile deed?" Mercy asked.

Rising to his feet, 76 gave a thousand yard stare to the audience. "That, is what I am here to find out."

The two then vacated to stage right, a sitting room of sorts with Hanzo, Moira, Tracer, Torbjiorn, Widowmaker, Reinhardt, and Pharah waiting on the various furniture pieces. "Your guests and staff I presume?" 76 questioned.

"Yes." Mercy motioned to Hanzo. "This is Mr. Sato, a Japanese silk magnate."

"I see..." Removing the pipe from his lips, 76 motioned to the archer. "Tell me, where were you when the murders occured?"

Hanzo sported a black blazer and golden silk vest along with black dress pants, his hair tied up in its customary topknot. He remained quiet though, a thin bead of sweat running down his forehead.

Muttering Japanese curses, Genji rubbed his forehead. "...is your brother okay?" Ana questioned.

"While he's confident under fire and when dealing with rival gang bosses, Hanzo is prone to stage fright." Genji muttered.

"Aren't you two doing a theatrical performance of your own?" Ana raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, but he won't need to speak." Genji quipped.

Glancing at Hanzo, Mercy bit her lip. "Ah...yes, I'm afraid Mr. Sato is uh...mute." Looking around the room, Mercy grabbed a small bell from the coffee table. "And he communicates with a bell!"

Taking the bell from the doctor, Hanzo gave her a look that read gratitude as he rang it. "In the lobby you say?" 76 spoke to the older Shimada. "And can anyone testify otherwise?"

"I did see 'im hangin' around there earlier." Tracer piped up, the Brit dressed in a ceremonial military uniform, the RAF badge sewn onto her sleeve.

Taking a puff on his pipe, 76 turned his head to Tracer. "I see, and where were you when the murders took place Miss...?

"Fairservice." Tracer finished. "I was in the garden along with that butler bloke Hans and O'Toole the gardner."

"Intriguing..." 76 turned to Reinhardt and Moira, the former dressed in an impeccable butler's uniform while the latter had the tough and worn clothing of a tradesman. "Is this claim true?"

"Jawohl, I saw the lady by the roses." Reinhardt answered.

Nodding, 76 turned his attention to Widowmaker, the assassain wearing an onyx maid's dress. "And you were the one who found the bodies, yes?"

"Oui, I was busy with changing the linens in Monsieur Peppo's room before I stumbled upon the gruesome scene." Widowmaker motioned to Torbjiorn, the Swedish man dressed in a three-piece suit.

"That leaves only you Peppo." 76 took another puff on his pipe. "Where were you when these dreadful acts occured?"

"I was at the movies." The stumpy man replied evenly.

"So you say, but a mere phonecall can determine your claim." 76 approached the phone on the wall and punched in a number. "Hello? ....hello? Is anyone there?!" Slamming the phone into it's cradle, he turned to the others with a furrowed brow. "The lines are dead, we are completely cut off from the outside world!"

A phone began to ring.

Everyone stared at Pharah, her cheeks dusted with red as she slowly produced a cellphone. "Hi, I'm afraid this is a bad time..."

"What's that Craven? We're back in touch?" 76 snatched the phone from Pharah and put it to his ear. "Hello? Anyone? Nope, looks like the cellphone tower's down too." He unceremoniously tossed the device behind him.

All of the lights went out, save a single spotlight on 76 as he made his way to center stage. "I remember that when I woke up this morning, my thoughts dwelled on the ghastly weather. But now, I was stranded in an inn with no one to trust...but myself."

The curtains closed on the stage, the crowd cheering in response to the first act while Hana appeared on stage. "So who's enjoying the show so far?" Smiling at the resounding signs of approval, Hana bowed. "Well this is only the start of it! We'll be right back after a quick break, so help yourselves to the catering or use the washrooms if need be, hope you enjoy the rest of the show!"


End file.
